The Uncertain Affair

"Wearing turtlenecks is like having a really weak guy strangle you all day. Wearing a backpack and turtleneck is like a midget trying to bring you down." - Mitch Hedberg

For the past couple weeks I have felt like I have been constantly wearing an invisible turtleneck and backpack. For some reason my breaths have been a little shallower, my sleep has been a little more restless, and once I finally drift into the world of the unconscious I want to snooze my alarm until the point when I wake up it is all over. The only problem is that I don't know what "it" is.

For those of you who don't know me well, and you may have guessed already, I tend to be...dramatic. Although it is my least favorite attribute of myself, it is a quality that rears its ugly head every so often and takes a big bite out of my livelyhood. I could hide this from you all by chosing not to post my Debby Downer moments, but in order to be true to myself and honest about my experiences, I feel it best to share everything - even when the going gets rough.

Unless you have lived in another country for an extended period of time with no set plans to return home (study abroad doesn't count) then there is really no way that you can understand my current situation. So, in order to communicate effectively, I will describe my troubles through a subject matter that everyone can relate to - Relationships.

I have been in a life-long relationship with the United States. Seeing as I lived there for over 24 years I think it's safe to say that it can be considered a Common-Law Marriage. However, despite being blissfully happy with this marriage, ever since I can remember I've always been attracted to Switzerland. Seeing as I'm half Swiss it's only natural that I should have a desire to explore the adventure of the foreigner. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? So, in a moment of weakness I made a spur of the moment decision and with somewhat careful planning I began my affair with Switzerland.

Unfortunately, just like in any relationship, Switzerland and I have started bickering. I'd like to pretend that living abroad is a dream-life of big fluffy snowflakes, mysterious foreign accents, and adventure around every corner. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, the reality is that it's freezing cold, there is a lack of conversational opportunities, and just around the corner is the vast uncertainty of the unknown.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to give up on this grand venture. I am certain that this is just a phase and it will quickly fade into the background until the details are hardly recogniseable, but right now I'm dead smack in the middle of it. Quite frankly, I'm surprised that this didn't happen earlier because Switzerland and I are headed into the fifth month of our affair and the cloudiness of the romance has started to fade and reveal its imperfections. It also doesn't help is that I am terrified of committment.

I fear that this uneasy feeling I have is due to the reality that each day that passes is one day closer to the day that I will have to choose between my marriage and my affair. Do I return to the country that has raised me, that I have built memories with, and that I have invested in, or do I abandon it all for a country that has romanced me but I barely know? I lay awake at night and play in my head the countless scenarios of what my life would look like if I picked one or the other. And yes, I realize that I have nine months left to really make my decision so it's a bit early to be weighing the odds, but I can't seem to shake the worry.

It's times like these that I wish God was like Mufasa and could beam down from the heavens in a flury of cumulous clouds to tell me to "Remember who you are" and I would miraculously know what path I am supposed to take. Maybe I'm supposed to return to Pride Rock instead of staying in the jungle eating bugs with Pumba and Timon.

Regardless, I think that three metaphors is enough for one blog. I hope that processing it on paper (and by paper I mean intangible and highly public internet site) will help me put this to rest so I can allow God work in my life. And who knows, maybe God will use someone (ahem - maybe you) to help guide me in the right direction. I just hope I'm not in the jungle having an affair with Switzerland with an invisible midget on my back for much longer. It's exhausting...