Mission: Swiss Bank Account

Was passt nicht? - What doesn't match?
Cartier. Burberry. Chanel. UBS. Me.

You guessed it - ME. I do not fit in here. So today I went to (hopefully) get a Swiss bank account. I had an appointment at the main branch at the UBS bank in Zurich at 10am this morning. So I hop on the train to the Hauptbahnhof (Zurich main station) and in 10 minutes I am whisked downtown. I get off the train, meander my way through the train station and make my way towards Bahnhofstrasse.

For some of you that may not know, Bahnhofstrasse is one of the most expensive streets in the world. It is where all the high-end shopping takes place, photographs are taken, and money is spent. In order to have a store on this street you have to pay 10,000 CHF. per year PER SQUARE METER. Yeah. This isn't Hollywood Blvd. here. More like Rodeo Drive - on crack.

So I finally find my destination - Bahnhofstrasse 45 - dead smack between Cartier and Chanel and across the street from Burberry. Yes, at this point I already knew this was out of my league. All I wanted to do was deposit less that $1,000 in a bank account. So I head inside to the first floor where my appointment is supposedly to take place. After I am greeted by the receptionist and exchange words about my appointment, I am escorted down the hall to a private room (what is with Switzerland and these private rooms? In the USA a cubicle would suffice). Then my drink order is taken, so I just oder flat water (seriously, what happened to the communal bowl of lolipops?). The woman brings me back a personal tray with my bottled water, which she poured for me, and a little chocolate truffle wrapped nicely in a perfect size box. I'm thinking "Uh, I'm not here to open an account with millions, we're talking hundreds and with the exchange rate it will probably end up looking like cents...er Rappen"). So the banker lady finally comes in the room with all the paperwork in hand and we get down to business opening my account. I'm going to skip over the boring details about the interest rates (or lack there of - seiously, keep your 1/8th of one percent interest) and the fact that, oh yes, I have to pay 140 CHF every year to even have the account.

Internet Banking. Here's where things get interesting. Now in the USA, for internet banking you have a login name, which for most people is the same as the beginning of their email address, a simple security question whose answer can most likely be found on facebook, and a password which is probably the same as the one used to login to facebook. That's it.

With not much surprise, Switzerland takes it to a whole other level. You are given a special access card to acquire your online banking information. This card is then inserted into a card reader that is provided to you and is connected to your home computer. Once the card is inserted into the machine a special number is input into the card reader. A few seconds later a number is displayed on the card reader. This new number is then input at the time of the online bank login. This must be done every time your account is accessed and the input number always changes.

Talk about Mission: Impossible Internet Banking! I mean, I understand that my money is secure, but for ADHD people with broken object locators in their brains, this could result in securing my bank information even from myself.

Don't get me wrong, I totally feel like Ethan Hunt suspended from a harness in a crazy vault which is pretty awesome, but I have a feeling it won't be so awesome when I can't access my money. And if I can't, I'm sure you'll hear about it in my blog fit of rage.

But alas, I have a super duper secured bank account even though my name is probably on a United States watch list for the IRS.

Mission: Complete.

I hope this blog doesn't self-destruct before you share it with a friend.